When a Friend Suffers

Show up and shut up!
(Rick Warren’s advice when he returned to the pulpit four months after his son committed suicide)

Many people are afraid to approach someone that has experienced a traumatic event - they don’t know what to say or do. The reality is that they don’t really need to say anything but “I love you and am so sorry for your loss” - then stop talking! 

Be willing to sit by a friend, weep with them, or be silent with them. Job’s friends were great until they started talking! They sat with him for seven days in silence.

DON'T

• Don’t try to explain what happened. No explanation will make a person feel better about their loss.
• Don’t tell them that they must be a really strong person for God to allow this in their life. We all have pain, but none of us want it .... for any reason. 
•  Don’t offer platitudes or clichés. They are not comforting.
• Don’t tell them that you know how you feel. You don’t know. No one knows.
  After I lost my mother, I had several other women come up to me and tell me how sorry they were. That was great! But then some would say, "I lost my mother 20 years ago (or fill in the number) and I still miss her everyday." Not helpful. The idea that I would still be in that kind of pain 20 years from now was not encouraging to me. I am sure that is not what they meant, but that's what I felt.
• Don’t ask them to call you if they need something; now the burden is on them. 
• Don’t ask them what they need; they usually don’t know. 
• Don’t forget them. They will need you more in the sixth week after everyone is gone, than in the first week when everyone is around. 

DO

• Offer your assistance in whatever you can - staying overnight with them, bring them food, answer the phone or make calls for them, clean up, do the laundry.
• Send them a note, call them, take them out - not just when the loss occurs but in the weeks and months that follow.
• Be God's arms and give them a hug!
• Give them time. Everyone grieves in a different way and for a different length of time. 
• Pray without ceasing! Only God can truly comfort a broken heart.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our troubles, 

so that we can comfort those in any trouble 

with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Facing Adversity - Healthy Grief

Grieving a loss is an appropriate response. 
Too many Christians feel that grief is wrong, that we're supposed to rejoice when a loved one goes to be with the Lord. While we can rejoice in their homegoing, we can also grieve our loss.  Bruce Barton

Ignoring pain (stuffing it) is unhealthy for my body, emotions, and spirit. Spewing (dumping) my emotions on others injures them.  A healthy release of the pain is to express it to God. He can handle it, even if I am angry at Him. The Psalms are filled with laments. God never condemns my emotions. Expressing how I feel to Him is beneficial for my emotional stability, my physical body, and my spirit.  

Allow others to help. We are part of the body of Christ, if one suffers, we all suffer. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26) My friends want to help; they are grieving with me.

Allow others into your presence. We are together in the body of Christ to bear each other’s burdens and to comfort each other. Our friends want to help carry that burden of grief that I am feeling. I need to let them come in.

Let others help with practical tasks - bring you food, mow your yard, or pick up the kids. Many of us won't ask for help. We think we should be self-sufficient or that we will be bothering others to ask for help or we can't risk rejection. Most people are more than willing to help if you allow them.

Turn to God, not away from Him. Don’t blame God for bad things that happen. God gives good gifts; He does not bring about bad things that happen to us. They are from the enemy. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10) 

We are told that it is perfectly legitimate for believers to suffer grief. Our Lord Himself was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Though grief may reach to the roots of our souls, it must not result in bitterness. Grief is a legitimate emotion, at times even a virtue, but there must be no place in the soul for bitterness. R.C. Sproul

Don’t get stuck. I have seen people get stuck in their grief. Sometimes it is over the death of their child. I am not sure we have completely recover from losing a child but at some point we go on with our lives. We all grieve differently and for different lengths of time. As time goes along, we should see a progress in the grief - "I still hurt but I am not where I was two months ago." 

Rick Warren pointed out an important aspect of grief over a loved one. He talked about how all of our memories of the past include that person and how hard it is to imagine our pictures of the future without him or her in the picture. Somehow, I have to imagine my future without that person or without that aspect of my life that I have lost.

Find His purpose. God has a purpose in every situation we go through, good or bad. 

Be grateful for what you do have, instead of unhappy or bitter about what you don’t have. I may grieve over one part of my life, but do I recognize how great other parts of my life are?(Romans 8:28,31-35; 1 Timothy 6:6) The greatest way to honor someone that you lose is to live out your faith in the way God has given you.

Growing while I grieve:

• Seek Wisdom – What is God’s perspective of the situation? What does He want me to do at this stage? 
• Forgive - Is there someone that I need to forgive for the loss? Do I need to quit punishing myself over the loss? Am I willing to forgive as God has forgiven me? 
• Seek His Presence. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. (Acts 17:27)
• Meditate on His Word. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
  and I will meditate on your wonderful works. Psalm 145:5
• Seek His comfort. 
  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.(Matthew 5:4)
  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Corinthians 1:3-4a)
  
  No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. C.S. Lewis
  
• Surrender your will to His will, depend on Him. Paul suffered greatly and had great faith. At one point, when he thought he was going to die, he realized that God's purpose for him was to rely on (depend on, trust, have faith in) God. Even if he died, he knew that God would raise him from the dead. He believed.
  ...the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.(2 Corinthians 1:8b-9)
• Rejoice and persevere. (Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-5, 1 Peter 1:6-7)  Each of these passages talks about trials or suffering that we go through. They all say that we are to rejoice as we face them. Rejoicing seems impossible during those times, but we can rejoice in knowing that we will be closer to the Lord when we come out on the other side of grief.
• Share the Comfort(or) and the Hope.
  Paul experienced God's comfort, but he also realized that he was to pass it on. He could now comfort others in the same way that God comforted Him.
  so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
  (2 Corinthians 1:4b-7)
  
  I have a God of Hope. He has promised the overflowing of hope in my life. My part is to trust Him.
  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
  (Romans 15:13)

Grief [is] expected, but it is different from the grief of the world. There is a difference between tears of hope and tears of hopelessness. Erwin Lutzer

You may want to read:

Facing Adversity - I am not Alone

Facing Adversity - Remember

View or listen to Rick Warren's messages:

How to Get through what you are going through

SEPTEMBER 2013 Letter LIVING WELL

What do you say to a friend who is going through an extreme time of suffering or grief? 

We often avoid seeing someone who has experienced a traumatic event because we don’t know what to say. Or some of us say the wrong thing while we are trying to console our friends. The greater the suffering, the less you need to say.

As we write this letter, we are praying for some friends that just lost their grandson to cancer after a nine year battle. Is there anything that we can say to make them feel better? No. We can share our love for them. We can pray for them, share the burden of their soul, but we cannot say or do anything to take away the pain.

Our desire is to minister to each of you. On this blog, we shared with you some ideas on how you can face grief, adversity, or suffering. [Facing Adversity - I am not Alone, Facing Adversity - Remember]We will also share some thoughts with you on how to comfort a friend in that situation on our next post.

October 22! Save that date!

We are having a birthday!!!! On October 22, we are having a 10-year-old birthday party. We started Living Well 10 years ago. A lot has happened in 10 years. We want you to celebrate with us. Save that date!!

Summer is always a slow time for us in the area of donations and in counseling appointments. People go on vacation, their schedules are disrupted. After Labor Day, we usually receive more requests for appointments as kids get back in school. Please pray for our donations as we finish the summer. And pray that the Lord will give us discernment and wisdom with new appointments. Your support of this ministry in prayer and giving are essential to us. [to donate]

We are able to meet with people who cannot afford to pay much, if anything, because of your donations. We are able to spend time studying and learning more about what how to give guidance to couples facing a crisis in their marriage or their finances because of your support. We are able to advise churches on building marriage ministries as you give to our ministry.

We love doing premarital preparation with couples. We encourage couples to come as early as possible before the wedding. Couples benefit from starting premarital preparation before a formal engagement, so that they have time and opportunity to decide if this is “the one.” Each couple gets at least nine hours of guidance/teaching to prepare for their marriage.

Wisdom Community School is now on one of their breaks. They are on a year-round school calendar. They attend for three months, then take a month off. They have two new teachers who are going through some teacher training at this time. We were able to provide the funds for this training because of your donations. You are an important part of the education of these 170 children living in a slum area.

Thank you for your continued support! We could not continue this ministry without you! We love and appreciate you and your support of what God is doing!

Our love in Christ,
Donna and Ed Edwards

P.S. Mark your calendars for Tuesday, October 22nd, to celebrate 10 years of Living Well!

Facing Adversity - REMEMBER

REMEMBER

This too shall pass.

It won’t last forever; it just feels like it will.

Peter wrote to Christians who were being severely persecuted for their faith:
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. [1 Peter 1:6]
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. [1 Peter 5:10]

God gave us this verse to keep in perspective the brevity of life.
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. [James 4:14]

Acknowledge your pain.

Most pain comes from loss.

Your loss can take many forms. You could lose a possession, through financial problems, weather, a fire, or a burglary.

Your loss could be a person – a failed marriage, a child that dies, the untimely death of a spouse, the passing of a parent, a broken relationship, a friend that moves away.

Your loss could be your job, your career, or your reputation. Your loss might be your health.

Maybe your loss is the loss of a dream or aspiration – somewhere you want to live, something you want to accomplish, having a family, or a hobby that you don’t have time or money to pursue.

You are not in control. 

Surprise! When something painful happens, we often get angry too because we can’t do anything about it.

I can’t control other people or most circumstances. When I try to control my circumstances totally, I have to try to control others too, because they often determine my circumstances.

I can’t control the weather, the economy, my boss or the place where I work, even if I am the boss.

It’s okay to cry.

Crying doesn't make us weak. Crying is a valid expression of pain. 

However, I have to be aware that usually it is best to cry privately, alone or with someone that can comfort me. Crying often puts other people in a difficult situation. Husbands, co-workers, and children don't know what to do when we cry. My husband may withdraw. My co-worker may dismiss me. My children may feel insecure and/or very sad.

We often get angry when we are in pain. Anger can be dangerous for me and those around me. Anger is a mask to disguise the pain. Anger usually makes the situation worse, not better.

Everyone is different. 

Not everyone reacts the same way to the same situation. Losing a job may be devastating for one but not for another. Comparing my loss or my reaction to my loss to another person can create more despair. It takes some people longer to get over a  loss than others.

Everyone grieves differently. No two people are exactly alike. No two situations are exactly alike.

Grieving a loss is vital to healing the heart. Grieving can be healthy or unhealthy for our emotional state. See our next post on Healthy Grief.

Facing Adversity - I am not Alone

God had one Son on earth without sin, but never one without suffering.   Augustine

Adversity is common to all people in all cultures.

Difficult times are part of life. Whether we call them adversity, trials, suffering, loss, grief, or afflictions, they are part of life. None of us like those times. That’s okay. But we can’t escape them; we can’t protect our kids from them.

It doesn't mean that I have done something wrong. It doesn't mean that God is punishing me.  Job's friends insisted that God was bringing catastrophe on Job because of sin that he was hiding. They believed that Job's suffering was a consequence of his sins. Job's friends spoke wrongly about God and Job. [Job 42:7]

I am not alone. We all go through bad times. Problems are inevitable; peace is optional. Jesus told us that we would all have trouble in this world. But He promises that He will give us peace; He has overcome the world.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.  John 16:33

I am not alone. God is with me. I don't have to go through my times of suffering by myself. It's comforting to know that His presence is with me all the time. Grief or adversity can make me feel isolated and misunderstood. Others can't know how I feel. But He knows and He cares.

He will never leave me or forsake me. God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” [Hebrews 13:5b]

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  [Deuteronomy 31:6]

As I suffer, God is sad with me, He has compassion for me.

The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. 
[Psalm 116:5]

The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made. 
[Psalm 145:9]

As I go through my own personal trials in life, I am comforted by His Presence and His care for me!

LIVING WELL, December 2010

He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces.
(Isaiah 25:6)

The reality of this verse is a great comfort as I (Donna) go through the passing of my mother from this life to the reality of eternity with our Lord. My mother departed on November 15th. I was fortunate to spend those moments with her as she breathed her last breath. For now, the loss of her physical presence brings great grief in my life. But I believe His Promise even when I don’t feel it.

My mother had a great influence on my spiritual life. I am thankful for the many ways she taught me about Jesus and the way she demonstrated His life through hers. I think of the verse in which Paul wrote to Timothy about his legacy of faith from his mother and grandmother. The same verse could be written of my inheritance. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother and in your mother and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5 paraphrased) The faith of a Christian mother and grandmother is of great value in our lives.

I know that many of our friends, family, and supporters have prayed for us during this time of loss. We greatly appreciate your continued prayers as we go through this season of life.

As we celebrate the coming of our Lord to earth, we remember why He came.

The Bible recounts many reasons that Jesus left heaven to become a human and walk the earth. Here are a few.

Jesus came:

To reveal or make known the Father:
     All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Matthew 11:27

   No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known. John 1:18

To save the world:
    For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:17

To preach the good news of the kingdom of God:
    But he said, “I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.” Luke 4:43

To serve and sacrifice:
   Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. Matthew 20:28

To do the will of the Father:
   For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. John 6:38

To destroy the work of Satan:
    The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. 1 John 3:8

To become a high priest and atone for sin:
    For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Hebrews 2:17

To proclaim freedom for believers:
    The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free. Luke 4:18

To give abundant life:
    I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10b

In December each year, many of us either make special donations to ministries or perhaps catch up on donations before year’s end. Without you and others standing with us, it is not possible for us to continue the mission the Lord has given us to strengthen marriages and families through the services of our ministry including personal guidance and classes. Would you please prayerfully consider including Living Well in your end-of-year contributions? Your prayers and financial investment enables us to move forward in 2011. (Click here to donate)

Know anyone who needs to get a better handle on their finances? We have a class starting January 4th on Tuesday nights in January. (Click here for details) Our love in Christ,

Merry Christmas! We pray that you have an opportunity to spend time with your families. May the enclosed book mark aid you in celebrating and worshipping the fullness of who Jesus is.


Donna and Ed Edwards

P.S. Please pray that the Lord will continue to provide for the ministry through year-end giving.

Good Grief

Many times I have sent the booklet, Good Grief, to friends who are going through the loss of a loved one.

Today, I decided it was time for me to read it for my own grief, not as a counselor, but as one who is experiencing the loss.

About 18 months ago, I wrote about grief (read here) after watching a couple of friends go through the loss of loved ones.

Today I read that post for myself. I ended that post with these words:

I don't know that kind of sorrow and grief,
but I know our Lord does.
And He cares. And He comforts.

That I do know.

Today, I do know the sorrow and grief. And He still cares. And he still comforts. That I do know.

Sorrow and Grief

Recently, two people in my life have lost someone very close to them.

A young woman lost her mother suddenly. Her mother was only 62, had not been sick. She left to be with the Lord the Sunday before Mother's Day.

A long-time friend lost her daughter-in-law this morning, Memorial Day. My friend's son and his wife have a 14 year old daughter and a son who is graduating from high school this Friday.

How does a person handle such grief and sorrow?
I have no idea.

I just know that we have a Father who has experienced the grief of losing His Son at a young age, at the height of His ministry. He died a torturous death. It wasn't sudden and it wasn't of natural causes. He promises to give us the grace and strength we need for those times.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Peter 5:10

I know that the resurrection life takes on a very personal meaning.

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. Romans 6:4-5

I know that God's comfort, His hope, and His peace give us His Presence in the present.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19a

The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 13:14

I know that our tears matter to God.

You have taken account of my wanderings;
Put my tears in Your bottle
Are they not in Your book?
Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call;
This I know, that God is for me. Psalm 56:8-9

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 126:5

I don't know that kind of sorrow and grief,
but I know our Lord does.
And He cares. And He comforts.

That I do know.