When a Friend Suffers

Show up and shut up!
(Rick Warren’s advice when he returned to the pulpit four months after his son committed suicide)

Many people are afraid to approach someone that has experienced a traumatic event - they don’t know what to say or do. The reality is that they don’t really need to say anything but “I love you and am so sorry for your loss” - then stop talking! 

Be willing to sit by a friend, weep with them, or be silent with them. Job’s friends were great until they started talking! They sat with him for seven days in silence.

DON'T

• Don’t try to explain what happened. No explanation will make a person feel better about their loss.
• Don’t tell them that they must be a really strong person for God to allow this in their life. We all have pain, but none of us want it .... for any reason. 
•  Don’t offer platitudes or clichés. They are not comforting.
• Don’t tell them that you know how you feel. You don’t know. No one knows.
  After I lost my mother, I had several other women come up to me and tell me how sorry they were. That was great! But then some would say, "I lost my mother 20 years ago (or fill in the number) and I still miss her everyday." Not helpful. The idea that I would still be in that kind of pain 20 years from now was not encouraging to me. I am sure that is not what they meant, but that's what I felt.
• Don’t ask them to call you if they need something; now the burden is on them. 
• Don’t ask them what they need; they usually don’t know. 
• Don’t forget them. They will need you more in the sixth week after everyone is gone, than in the first week when everyone is around. 

DO

• Offer your assistance in whatever you can - staying overnight with them, bring them food, answer the phone or make calls for them, clean up, do the laundry.
• Send them a note, call them, take them out - not just when the loss occurs but in the weeks and months that follow.
• Be God's arms and give them a hug!
• Give them time. Everyone grieves in a different way and for a different length of time. 
• Pray without ceasing! Only God can truly comfort a broken heart.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our troubles, 

so that we can comfort those in any trouble 

with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Facing Adversity - Healthy Grief

Grieving a loss is an appropriate response. 
Too many Christians feel that grief is wrong, that we're supposed to rejoice when a loved one goes to be with the Lord. While we can rejoice in their homegoing, we can also grieve our loss.  Bruce Barton

Ignoring pain (stuffing it) is unhealthy for my body, emotions, and spirit. Spewing (dumping) my emotions on others injures them.  A healthy release of the pain is to express it to God. He can handle it, even if I am angry at Him. The Psalms are filled with laments. God never condemns my emotions. Expressing how I feel to Him is beneficial for my emotional stability, my physical body, and my spirit.  

Allow others to help. We are part of the body of Christ, if one suffers, we all suffer. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (1 Corinthians 12:26) My friends want to help; they are grieving with me.

Allow others into your presence. We are together in the body of Christ to bear each other’s burdens and to comfort each other. Our friends want to help carry that burden of grief that I am feeling. I need to let them come in.

Let others help with practical tasks - bring you food, mow your yard, or pick up the kids. Many of us won't ask for help. We think we should be self-sufficient or that we will be bothering others to ask for help or we can't risk rejection. Most people are more than willing to help if you allow them.

Turn to God, not away from Him. Don’t blame God for bad things that happen. God gives good gifts; He does not bring about bad things that happen to us. They are from the enemy. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10) 

We are told that it is perfectly legitimate for believers to suffer grief. Our Lord Himself was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. Though grief may reach to the roots of our souls, it must not result in bitterness. Grief is a legitimate emotion, at times even a virtue, but there must be no place in the soul for bitterness. R.C. Sproul

Don’t get stuck. I have seen people get stuck in their grief. Sometimes it is over the death of their child. I am not sure we have completely recover from losing a child but at some point we go on with our lives. We all grieve differently and for different lengths of time. As time goes along, we should see a progress in the grief - "I still hurt but I am not where I was two months ago." 

Rick Warren pointed out an important aspect of grief over a loved one. He talked about how all of our memories of the past include that person and how hard it is to imagine our pictures of the future without him or her in the picture. Somehow, I have to imagine my future without that person or without that aspect of my life that I have lost.

Find His purpose. God has a purpose in every situation we go through, good or bad. 

Be grateful for what you do have, instead of unhappy or bitter about what you don’t have. I may grieve over one part of my life, but do I recognize how great other parts of my life are?(Romans 8:28,31-35; 1 Timothy 6:6) The greatest way to honor someone that you lose is to live out your faith in the way God has given you.

Growing while I grieve:

• Seek Wisdom – What is God’s perspective of the situation? What does He want me to do at this stage? 
• Forgive - Is there someone that I need to forgive for the loss? Do I need to quit punishing myself over the loss? Am I willing to forgive as God has forgiven me? 
• Seek His Presence. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. (Acts 17:27)
• Meditate on His Word. They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
  and I will meditate on your wonderful works. Psalm 145:5
• Seek His comfort. 
  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.(Matthew 5:4)
  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles (2 Corinthians 1:3-4a)
  
  No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. C.S. Lewis
  
• Surrender your will to His will, depend on Him. Paul suffered greatly and had great faith. At one point, when he thought he was going to die, he realized that God's purpose for him was to rely on (depend on, trust, have faith in) God. Even if he died, he knew that God would raise him from the dead. He believed.
  ...the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.(2 Corinthians 1:8b-9)
• Rejoice and persevere. (Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-5, 1 Peter 1:6-7)  Each of these passages talks about trials or suffering that we go through. They all say that we are to rejoice as we face them. Rejoicing seems impossible during those times, but we can rejoice in knowing that we will be closer to the Lord when we come out on the other side of grief.
• Share the Comfort(or) and the Hope.
  Paul experienced God's comfort, but he also realized that he was to pass it on. He could now comfort others in the same way that God comforted Him.
  so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
  (2 Corinthians 1:4b-7)
  
  I have a God of Hope. He has promised the overflowing of hope in my life. My part is to trust Him.
  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
  (Romans 15:13)

Grief [is] expected, but it is different from the grief of the world. There is a difference between tears of hope and tears of hopelessness. Erwin Lutzer

You may want to read:

Facing Adversity - I am not Alone

Facing Adversity - Remember

View or listen to Rick Warren's messages:

How to Get through what you are going through

Facing Adversity - REMEMBER

REMEMBER

This too shall pass.

It won’t last forever; it just feels like it will.

Peter wrote to Christians who were being severely persecuted for their faith:
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. [1 Peter 1:6]
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. [1 Peter 5:10]

God gave us this verse to keep in perspective the brevity of life.
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. [James 4:14]

Acknowledge your pain.

Most pain comes from loss.

Your loss can take many forms. You could lose a possession, through financial problems, weather, a fire, or a burglary.

Your loss could be a person – a failed marriage, a child that dies, the untimely death of a spouse, the passing of a parent, a broken relationship, a friend that moves away.

Your loss could be your job, your career, or your reputation. Your loss might be your health.

Maybe your loss is the loss of a dream or aspiration – somewhere you want to live, something you want to accomplish, having a family, or a hobby that you don’t have time or money to pursue.

You are not in control. 

Surprise! When something painful happens, we often get angry too because we can’t do anything about it.

I can’t control other people or most circumstances. When I try to control my circumstances totally, I have to try to control others too, because they often determine my circumstances.

I can’t control the weather, the economy, my boss or the place where I work, even if I am the boss.

It’s okay to cry.

Crying doesn't make us weak. Crying is a valid expression of pain. 

However, I have to be aware that usually it is best to cry privately, alone or with someone that can comfort me. Crying often puts other people in a difficult situation. Husbands, co-workers, and children don't know what to do when we cry. My husband may withdraw. My co-worker may dismiss me. My children may feel insecure and/or very sad.

We often get angry when we are in pain. Anger can be dangerous for me and those around me. Anger is a mask to disguise the pain. Anger usually makes the situation worse, not better.

Everyone is different. 

Not everyone reacts the same way to the same situation. Losing a job may be devastating for one but not for another. Comparing my loss or my reaction to my loss to another person can create more despair. It takes some people longer to get over a  loss than others.

Everyone grieves differently. No two people are exactly alike. No two situations are exactly alike.

Grieving a loss is vital to healing the heart. Grieving can be healthy or unhealthy for our emotional state. See our next post on Healthy Grief.