When a Friend Suffers

Show up and shut up!
(Rick Warren’s advice when he returned to the pulpit four months after his son committed suicide)

Many people are afraid to approach someone that has experienced a traumatic event - they don’t know what to say or do. The reality is that they don’t really need to say anything but “I love you and am so sorry for your loss” - then stop talking! 

Be willing to sit by a friend, weep with them, or be silent with them. Job’s friends were great until they started talking! They sat with him for seven days in silence.

DON'T

• Don’t try to explain what happened. No explanation will make a person feel better about their loss.
• Don’t tell them that they must be a really strong person for God to allow this in their life. We all have pain, but none of us want it .... for any reason. 
•  Don’t offer platitudes or clichés. They are not comforting.
• Don’t tell them that you know how you feel. You don’t know. No one knows.
  After I lost my mother, I had several other women come up to me and tell me how sorry they were. That was great! But then some would say, "I lost my mother 20 years ago (or fill in the number) and I still miss her everyday." Not helpful. The idea that I would still be in that kind of pain 20 years from now was not encouraging to me. I am sure that is not what they meant, but that's what I felt.
• Don’t ask them to call you if they need something; now the burden is on them. 
• Don’t ask them what they need; they usually don’t know. 
• Don’t forget them. They will need you more in the sixth week after everyone is gone, than in the first week when everyone is around. 

DO

• Offer your assistance in whatever you can - staying overnight with them, bring them food, answer the phone or make calls for them, clean up, do the laundry.
• Send them a note, call them, take them out - not just when the loss occurs but in the weeks and months that follow.
• Be God's arms and give them a hug!
• Give them time. Everyone grieves in a different way and for a different length of time. 
• Pray without ceasing! Only God can truly comfort a broken heart.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our troubles, 

so that we can comfort those in any trouble 

with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Facing Adversity - I am not Alone

God had one Son on earth without sin, but never one without suffering.   Augustine

Adversity is common to all people in all cultures.

Difficult times are part of life. Whether we call them adversity, trials, suffering, loss, grief, or afflictions, they are part of life. None of us like those times. That’s okay. But we can’t escape them; we can’t protect our kids from them.

It doesn't mean that I have done something wrong. It doesn't mean that God is punishing me.  Job's friends insisted that God was bringing catastrophe on Job because of sin that he was hiding. They believed that Job's suffering was a consequence of his sins. Job's friends spoke wrongly about God and Job. [Job 42:7]

I am not alone. We all go through bad times. Problems are inevitable; peace is optional. Jesus told us that we would all have trouble in this world. But He promises that He will give us peace; He has overcome the world.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.  John 16:33

I am not alone. God is with me. I don't have to go through my times of suffering by myself. It's comforting to know that His presence is with me all the time. Grief or adversity can make me feel isolated and misunderstood. Others can't know how I feel. But He knows and He cares.

He will never leave me or forsake me. God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” [Hebrews 13:5b]

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  [Deuteronomy 31:6]

As I suffer, God is sad with me, He has compassion for me.

The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. 
[Psalm 116:5]

The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made. 
[Psalm 145:9]

As I go through my own personal trials in life, I am comforted by His Presence and His care for me!